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BUT! Llittle bit of good commercialism and humor is ok!ENJOY!!!!
Just before Christmas, an honest politician, a generous lawyer and Santa Claus were riding in the elevator of a very poshhotel. Just before the doors opened they all noticed a bill lying on the floor. Which one picked it up?
Santa of course, because the other two don't exist!
What do you get when you cross a penguin and an alligator?
I don't know, but don't try to fix its bow tie!
How does Mickey Mouse get around during the winter?
Mice skates.
Where does Frosty the Snowman keep his money?
In a snow bank.
What happened when Santa's cat swallowed a ball of yarn?
She had mittens.
Did you know that all the angels in Jesus' heavenly choir had
the same name?
Sure, haven't you ever heard the song, "Hark,
the Harold Angels Sing"?
What is Santa's favorite breakfast cereal?
Frosted Flakes.
What is Frosty's favorite breakfast cereal?
Snow Flakes.
How does Santa Claus take pictures?
With a North Pole-aroid camera.
Where is the best place to put your Christmas tree?
After your Christmas one and your Christmas two.
What would a Japanese tourist in Alaska wear?
An Eskimono.
What do you call it when your Christmas tree explodes?
A tannen-bomb. (tannenbaum)
What is red and white and goes up and down and up and down?
Santa Claus stuck in an elevator.
Why is Santa a good race car driver?
Because he's always in the pole position.
Who carries all of Santa's books?
His books elf. (book shelf)
What's red and green and guides Santa's sleigh?
Rudolph the red-nosed pickle.
What do you call a polar bear that steals icebergs from other polar bears?
An ice-burglar.
How do you know if there is a reindeer in your refrigerator?
The hoofprints in the butter!
Why does Santa Claus have three gardens?
So he can Ho-Ho-Ho.
What happens when Frosty the Snowman gets dandruff?
He gets snowflakes.
What kind of food do you get when you cross a blizzard with a polar bear?
A brrr-grrr! (burger)
What's red and white and red and white and red and white?
Santa Claus rolling down a hill.
What did the sheep say to the shepherd?
Seasons Bleetings!
Where did the mistletoe go to become rich and famous?
Holly-wood.
What does Frosty the Snowman take when he gets sick?
A chill pill.
What does Santa Claus use when he goes skiing?
A North Pole.
What do you call a cow in Alaska?
An Eski-moo.
Why did Frosty go to live in the middle of the ocean?
Because snow man is an island.
I know, I know. I know that people say, "It's the thought that
counts, not the gift... but couldn't people think a little bigger?
Sometimes I get the feeling that if Christmas, Father's Day
and birthdays did not exist, then aftershave too, would not
exist!
Santa Claus is a jolly fellow! Imagine all that driving and still
being able to say, "Ho! Ho! Ho!"
My friend, Rick, is a paramedic here in Miami. A few years ago he answered a call about a man who had a head injury he got when some teenagers were throwing eggs at cars. It seems that
the egg had come through the open window of the man's car as he was driving at about 45 mph. He had a large swelling on his forehead. In the official report, Rick described the incident as
an "egg-noggin".
Billy: How come you never hear anything about the tenth reindeer, Olive?
Tilly: Olive?
Billy: Yeah, you know... Olive the other reindeer, used to
laugh and call him names...
Santa Claus, like all pilots, gets regular visits from the Federal Aviation Administration, and the FAA examiner arrived last week for the pre-Christmas flight check. In preparation, Santa had the
elves wash the sled and bathe all the reindeer. Santa got his logbook out and made sure all his paperwork was in order. He knew they would examine all his equipment and truly put Santa's flying
skills to the test. The examiner walked slowly around the sled. He checked the reindeer harnesses, the landing gear, and even Rudolph's nose. He painstakingly reviewed Santa's weight and balance calculations for sled's enormous payload. Finally, they were ready for the check ride. Santa got in and fastened his seat belt and shoulder harness and checked the compass. Then the examiner hopped in carrying, to Santa's surprise, a shotgun. "What's that for!?" asked Santa incredulously. The examiner winked and said, "I'm not supposed to tell you this ahead of time," as he leaned over to whisper in Santa's ear, "but you're gonna lose an engine on takeoff."
A little boy returned from Sunday School with a new perspective
on the Christmas story. He had learned all about the Wise Men
from the East who brought gifts to the Baby Jesus. He was so
excited he just had to tell his parents: "I learned in Sunday School
today all about the very first Christmas! There wasn't a Santa Claus
way back then, so these three skinny guys on camels had to deliver
all the toys!" And Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer with his nose
so bright wasn't there yet, so they had to have this big spotlight in
the sky to find their way around."
The wife is shopping for Christmas gifts,
With purchases little and large;
She doesn't believe in Santa Claus...
But she believes in Master Charge!
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Does Santa Exist?
A scientific approach.
1. No known species of reindeer that can fly. BUT there are 300,000 species of living organisms yet to be classified, and while most of these are insects and germs, this does not completely rule out flying reindeer (which only Santa has ever seen.)
2. There are 2 billion children (persons under 18) in the world. BUT since Santa doesn't (appear) to handle the Muslim, Hindu, Jewish and Buddhist children, that reduces the workload to 15% of the total-378 million according to Population Reference Bureau. At an average (census) rate of 3.5 children per household, that's 91.8 million homes. One presumes there's at least one good child in each.
3. Santa has 31 hours of Christmas to work with, thanks to the different time zones and the rotation of the earth, assuming he travels east to west (which seems logical). This works out to 822.6 visits per second. This is to say that for each Christian household with good children, Santa has 1/1000th of a second to park, hop out of the sleigh, jump down the chimney, fill the stockings, distribute the remaining presents under the tree, eat whatever snacks have been left, get back up the chimney, get back into the sleigh and move on to the next house. Assuming that each of these 91.8 million stops are evenly distributed around the earth (which, of course, we know to be false but for the purposes of our calculations we will accept),we are now talking about .78 miles per household, a total trip of 75-1/2 million miles, not counting stops to do what most of us must do at least once every 31 hours, plus feeding and etc. This means that Santa's sleigh is moving at 650 miles per second, 3,000 times the speed of sound. For purposes of comparison, the fastest man-made vehicle on earth, the Ulysses space probe, moves at a poky 27.4 miles per second-a conventional reindeer can run, tops, 15 miles per hour.
4. The payload on the sleigh adds another interesting element. Assuming that each child gets nothing more than a medium-sized lego set (2 pounds), the sleigh is carrying 321,300 tons, not counting Santa, who is invariably described as overweight. On land, conventional reindeer can pull no more than 300 pounds. Even granting that "flying reindeer" (see point #1) could pull TEN TIMES the normal amount, we cannot do the job with eight, or even nine. We need 214,200 reindeer. This increases the payload-not even counting the weight of the sleigh-to 353,430 tons. Again, for comparison-this is four times the weight of the Queen Elizabeth.
5. 353,000 tons traveling at 650 miles per second creates enormous air resistance-this will heat the reindeer up in the same fashion as spacecrafts re-entering the earth's atmosphere. The lead pair of reindeer will absorb 14.3 QUINTILLION joules of energy. Per second. Each. In short, they will burst into flame almost instantaneously, exposing the reindeer behind them, and create deafening sonic booms in their wake. The entire reindeer team will be vaporized within 4.26 thousandths of a second. Santa, meanwhile, will be subjected to centrifugal forces 17,500.06 times greater than gravity. A 250-pound Santa (which seems ludicrously slim) would be pinned to the back of his sleigh by 4,315,015 pounds of force.
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